Soul Cleanse 4: DiSEXtion

sometimes my life feels like a merry go round
spinning faster and faster
other times it feels like a roller coaster
where you expect the ups
and dread the downs

and then, at times, it flat lines
into this steady rhythm

which is okay

if you constantly like the repetition of

feed/play with cats
work
maintain house (substitutes for work sometimes on days off)
eat
sleep

but I yearn for a different routine, more often than not

although the bed is difficult to get out of mainly because it is so comfy…

but this has a point doesn't it

I think my life at this time is a combination of all three things:

flat lined in the sense that for the past month and a half or so, I haven't had too much time to do certain things that I want to do --like catch up with friends or talk to them in length like I want to…or things I need to start doing on a more continual basis…

merry go round in the sense that it never feels like there's enough time for the enjoyment but too much time for the mundane

and roller coaster in the sense of trying to figure out things---

the actual act of sex has never been a necessity to me--not to say I don't like sex, not to say that I don't have the desire to, but I never got to the point where I am constantly craving it.

Maybe a part of it is that I got burned out on it in the early going--the guy I was engaged to years ago encouraged me to be more sensual and to not be ashamed, yet at the same time, he had to have sex ALL THE TIME….

and I was just a good lil' woman trying to please her man with the 3-5 times a day every day type of treatment….

and I don't know about the rest of the ladies, but my stuff couldn't take the constant invasion--even the doctor I went to was like, "you guys need to cool it for a bit…."

I'm not going to get into all of the gory details of what happened afterwards, but all I will say is that the relationship started to deteriorate rapidly.

Or maybe I'm just in love with the foreplay.

Back in the days when I was slightly bi curious (but mainly with men), I would love the preparation--the stroking, the kissing, the fondling--leading on to the licking and sucking--those things aroused me, and I was very content.

But when he got impatient and was ready to do his thing, my mind would go somewhere else. I went to my happy place. I thought happy thoughts.

When he came too quick, he either was like, "You got some good pussy."

He'd make up excuses, like, "It's been a while." (which could be the truth but a while could be six hours ago for a guy)

Or if he was mad about it, he'd be like, "We shouldn't have done so much foreplay in the beginning."

But with me, if he took too long, the personal lubrication eventually starts to kind of dry up, and once it's dry, it starts to get mad painful--so of course, I would have to tell him to stop or help him jack off (and that's no good either).

Worse is when the guy can't come with the condom on but wants you to sleep with him unprotected…the whole "just let me put the head in" or "I'll pull out"…some faucets will always leak…a man's dick is no exception.

All that aside, a part of me knew that I was always fascinated with women and that my desires were more aware with them. I was more sexually confident with them; I felt like it was all right to be somewhat aggressive.

The thing that has me baffled at this state of the game is this:

I am approaching 30 and they say that's when women really start to sexually peak. However, I've noticed that mines seem to be doing the opposite.

I know that quite a bit has to do with the anti-depressants, and I'm trying to give these a chance to work. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing mood wise, but at the same time, I am missing my sexual self.

M asked me if I had stopped being attracted to women, but when I see a woman (whether it's beautiful skin, natural breasts, desirable eyes, etc….), my heart still stops.

So no, I don't think I've switched hitters.

My doctor tells me to wait it out---to give the medicine more time before concluding that I need to switch again; she's afraid that if I switch to another one, it may have an adverse affect on me.

Which has happened to me before---one drug I was on briefly a few years ago caused me to be overly aggressive and brought out violent tendencies.

So I understand her point.

So I'm thinking about doing research and getting a sex therapist. I think I'd be more comfortable talking about it with a woman…

What's the worst that can happen? I guess if she tells me it's all in my head. Or that the split between M and me requires more physical distance than one living in one part of the house and one living in the other part. Or that an event M did in the past that caused it to shut off completely….

Possible past family trauma I've suppressed.

I just don't know.

I was originally going to blog about something else, but this wanted to come out instead. I guess I just needed to put it out there.

Take care.

Peace.