approximately 7:58 pm

At approximately 7:58 pm, I awoke inside & imploded.

at approximately 7:58 pm, I put out in the universe to name one reason that I should not be jaded with the whole love/relationship thing....why should I not decide that more people are the rule rather than the exception? why should I not believe that the whole parable, "if you treat people the way you wanted to be treated, you'll get it in return" no longer holds true?

i look into the crystal ball of my distant past to my recent series of unfortunate events...different people but same stark resemblance. My trying to love with all that is in me and being shown time and time again, love isn't enough.

Being treated like a king or a queen isn't enough. Working hard, making an honest living, doing for the other person isn't enough.


i see other relationships around me. the hellraisers in apt. 4. he treats her like shit; she keeps letting him come back. she dogs him out; he keeps coming back.

my ex left me for someone else who put her through more drama than she could have ever dreamed. she wants her back. that pain back. she'd rather have the pain of her there than the pain without her.

WTF?


is this the new way of relationships now? the constant drama being a necessity. all this talk about someone wanting a good woman or man is shit someone is supposed to say but not what folks really mean? hell, it doesn't look appealing to put up there, "i want someone who never makes me feel special, who can fuck me and not call me the next day and who hits me from time to time"

but more and more, that is what I'm seeing....that this type of behavior is deemed okay and accepted.


and where does that leave those of the old school...who have seen their grandparents together for well over fifty years without having to deal with a lot of unnecessary drama...the only drama was for grandma and grandpa to keep on working and providing for the household, to try to raise their kids to the best of their ability and to try to handle the responsibility of taking care of a child that their youngest daughter didn't want to bother with because she was too busy running the streets and messing with different men, wanting to recreate the magic she felt with my sperm donor, her first love...

where does that leave those who don't always run at the first sign of trouble, who make a conscious decision that it's okay if the person leaves toenail clippings all over the place (although disgusting), snores a little loud...that sometimes you have to pick your battles, value what's important and still continue to love even when the in-love feeling and i always want to jump your bones can sometimes come and go....

where does that leave women like me....31, no kids, never been married, working hard, holding down my own.

shit out of luck.

second best.

the back up plan when the asshole or bitch is fucking up.

the rebound.

the oh, we were always better off as friends anyway

the "you were always too good for me"

sick of that shit



so i should suffer because i'm supposedly "too good"...when did "too good" become "fuck you, too bad, i can't roll with you..."

i should be the one at your beck and call when something goes wrong...the one with the crying towel, the Haagen Daas, the movies...and pretend that at one point, there was never anything deeper, there was never a spark that you kept exuding out there but by the time i became available, you jumped on the first thing smoking...really, why?

because i'm too good, too fucking complex??

maybe it's because you're too scared to for once experience a day when you can feel good for more than a few hours...did you think of that for one moment?

for one moment, to leave this familiar drama....

sure i come with baggage but i would never use it to continue to perpetuate drama..i would just try to grow and evolve, not hide behind it.

(sigh)

now that i've gotten that out of the way, i'm going to go find my trusty friend to relieve some of this stress....

peace.