Programmed

I wish I could make you understand
that I'm not like the others.

Sometimes, your programmed actions
from your past life
makes me want to run for cover...

I know you're not used to talking
but how am I supposed to know
or identify what you're going through
so that we both can grow?

But the only thing your silence does
is leaves me to assume--
which can sometimes cause more harm than good
and disintegration can ensue.

I just want you to understand
not everything is do or die
and at some points, miscommunication
can be worse than any type of lie.

I feel like I'm on an expedition
with Mount St. Helen being your past
but not having the nutrients I have
to survive or even last.

It's like no matter how hard I try
to show you tenderness and love
your former treatment and insecurities
come crashing from above.

...and it boggles my senses,
and I do admit
it causes me
to get on the defensive,
but what can I do
when your sorrows always scream
the others' names
against my ears
which makes me wonder
if you're riding the sound waves
that are less like love
and more like fear.

..and if so, we can't work this way,
not if you want to be with me
until my dying day.

Cause with your ghosts,
I cannot keep pace;
my limbs are too old
to stay in this race.

...and it hurts
because I know
you have my heart,
yet you don't seem to see
how much you mean to me.

How much patience must I exert?
Until not even morphine
can drown the hurt?

For someone who wants
peace, love and happiness around,
You go through extreme measuares
and try to force it to drown.

Let me know what you want to do.

Tell me something that lets me know
how much to invest in you.

I'd rather be armed with knowledge
than cloaked with no clue

You've never waited on me;
i've always waited

...on you.

June 2010
Queen of Spades