I come to you reflective--slow cooking in the perplexity of human behavior. Behavior that can range from seduction to flat out pissing you off.
There are not enough words to describe how fed up I am with how some people use words loosely . Or how the passion of the words don't match the behavior.
It is like a person painting just for the paycheck. It just doesn't add up. You do because you have the passion to do; once the passion is gone, what's the use in doing it?
I have always tried to live by the "Word is Bond" creed. If I say I'm going to do it, I will do. If I can't I will let you know why I can't and when I can. But I never just go out and say some spectacular stuff and then not do it or not come through.
Even at the expense of putting myself at discomfort, I still try and live by my word, whether it's going to some place I've never been before, trying out something new, whatever...at least I try, at least I try and go the extra mile.
But I hate it when I feel like another person's word means nothing. I hate it when people treat my time as if it's not precious.
Folks know how unorthodox my scheduling is, so if I do try and devote the time, it's important..it means something..that's time I could spend trying to rest my body up for the next shift but instead putting the energy forward (and using all types of secret cream and adrenalin) to put a good front up without even divulging whether I'm exhausted, going through my own shit, and what not.
My back has been spazzing for the first time since my trip from Mississippi back in February. That is how stressed I am mainly because I'm fed up and tired.
And even if I don't always say that I care, shouldn't the things a person do count for something?
Which has more weight--someone saying they would do anything for you but not do it or someone who doesn't do all the bragging....but delivers what she said and much more than you anticipated?
I go for the latter. Sweet words only go so far. Even the silhouette of nice breasts only go so far...you want to see the real thing.
This isn't about putting anyone on front street.
Just that my frustration has been growing and I've reached my pinnacle.
At times, I feel as if no one thinks that I have stuff I'm dealing with and going through...just because I don't always put it out on front street doesn't mean shit isn't happening.
I'm annoyed at the perception that the words mean a lot more than the actions...or that if words of meaning aren't said then that negates whatever actions are behind it. They should go hand and hand; they should match.
And rather than perceive the wrong thing or get the wrong idea, ask.
Don't put words in anyone's mouth, just ask for the truth. There is a chance you will get it. Don't assume that you know what I'm thinking or feeling unless you are my therapist or Jesus.
That's not to say that an assumption can't be on point. I just wish folks would ask. I just wish there was a willingness to compromise.
I'm tired of the one sided shit....my exerting all the consideration, care and having others demand more and more...it should be equal--romantic shit, friend shit, the whole nine.
And if you can't, fuck it.
You can give me your back side to kiss all you want, but you want to get mad if I say it. No, I'm sorry; I'm not buying it...no, on second thought, I'm not sorry.
fuck it/fuck it/fuck it.....
everyone say it; it may make you feel better....
I say all this to say something like this:
1. When you come at me, word better be bond.
2. Give out as much time, consideration, and energy as I try and give you. Otherwise, don't waste my time nor yours.
3. Friendship is about compromise; so is a relationship--one person shouldn't always be right, have the upper hand or control things--at the expense of someone else's discomfort.
I'm not doing one sided stuff anymore....too emotionally draining and getting too damn expensive ...unless you gonna feed me, take care of me, do for me, send money home to my grandparents to help them out because my lazy ass Uncle is being a fucking prick....then don't complain if things aren't the same.
Better start putting in some deposits in my spirit replenishment fund. Don't worry; I'll wait.
4. People can perceive things in different ways. If you don't know the story, just ask. Don't make up your own story and call it truth when everyone knows that it isn't how it is.
All right...now that I've purged. I'm about to head out; probably won't blog for a few days--gotta get back rejuvenated.
Peace.
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