Day 8~Love X 2

8~ Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?

I had to make sure not to confuse this with question 18...because at first I perceived them to be the same thing. But now that I have re-read it, I realize it is not.

Part of this will sound like a continuation from my last entry. In some ways it is.

Rewind back to 1996. After high school graduation, I did give T one more try. Amazingly enough, it was on the exact same date that T and I decided on try number two. One of my close friends spotted him with his ex-girlfriend; I found fingernail scratches on his body. To this day, he swears up and down that although his ex scratched him, nothing popped off between them. I didn’t buy it; I broke up with him about a month before I started college.

Then I was involved with R. I will sum it as to say Heaven and Hell resided in the same man. I can give him credit for introducing me to having a new view on sex and intimacy. At the beginning of our relationship, he exposed me to certain sexual acts. He was gentle. He gave me great pleasure. He showed me it was okay to like sex, to have desires, to have different feelings. In the middle and towards the end, however, the relationship took a very nasty turn--emotional Holocaust is the best way I can pinpoint it.

But during the good times, I was very open with R. He was one of the first people I told about my inklings for the softer sex. I even had the opportunity to experiment; the experiment turned sour when the female he chose wanted a straight one-on-one encounter without him being included. I found out later the two of them used to mess around, just wasn’t sure whether it was before me or during me.

After my relationship with R, I tried to have other relationships on campus. However, since R was well known (he was two years ahead of me), he spread rumors about me being “easy”. Other times, he’d say he was still hitting it. He threatened to kill a few if they came near me. Needless to say, he kept his word to me; he vowed no other man on campus would be successful in dating me.

So long distance relationships became very promising and fulfilling for me. 1. I didn’t have to worry about R filling his head with stuff and running him off. 2. I didn’t have to deal with surveillance of my activities. 3. He could really get a chance to know me without sex always having to be a big issue. 4. The time we didn’t see each other we could spend getting to know each other.

The combination of my dealings with T and R took a lot out of me. They both behaved quite similar when it came to my male friends and wanting to spend every waking moment with me. It was overkill; it was way too much. I saw how unhealthy all that time spent could be; I wanted the opportunity to be me.

However, I had gotten to the point where I did not want to suppress my yearnings for females. I decided to be upfront with any guy I was interested in dating; the power would be in his hands whether he could deal with it or not…before things got too far.

I had experiences where the guy would try to change me, and for the sake of the relationship, I would try to keep it dormant. But it seemed the more the guy would say, “Okay but you can’t act on it when you’re with me,” the more temptation would show up on the doorstep.

I respected the guys who weren’t down and walked away. They were honest with me and themselves.

It was the ones that faked like they were cool, but wiled out when they saw it in action (like a female checking me out or vice versa), that annoyed me. I just felt like it was wasted energy on both our parts; I could find someone else; he could find someone else. Why try to force something to work?

Fast forward to 1999. There was this female I had been chatting with on and off via College Club. I had joined online clubs…to educate myself on my sexuality and to get to know others. A lot of things were still closeted; I wasn’t out on campus but I was pretty out to the Internet world. She and I were in similar clubs. She was sassy, smart, and put together, but she was very timid when it came to making a move. I sensed she was feeling me, but each time I thought she was certain, her energy would shift. One time, I put everything out on the table (via E-mail) and she didn’t respond. So after that, I decided to leave it be and not talk to her as much.

Let’s just call her Neka.

Fall 1999, I had started talking to this guy, who I also met on College Club. In addition to the sexuality clubs I was in, I was still doing my poetry/creative writings as well. I loved to write; he loved to do graphic design. He and I talked constantly on College Club and it graduated to long talks on the phone, for hours and hours on end. The connection he and I felt was instant; my heart yearned to leap out of my chest and land in his hand; his heart did the same for me.

I told him before everything finally jumped off about me; he told me he was cool with it; heck, we could even try and find a female to be part of our union. I never had anyone be as open with it as that. I’ve had the whole occasional threesome deal being propositioned, but never one that would include it being okay for me to have a deeper bond with the female. His open mindedness was so refreshing, it made my panties want to come right off.

In love, yes indeed. I cherished every letter; every E-mail; every phone conversation. He would do drawings for me and of me. It was a challenge seeing each other because neither of us had transportation, so we had to catch rides when we could.

I will deem him Ant.

A few times, Ant suggested that we find a female. There were a couple of females but either they were full of their own drama or had hidden agendas. A few of them wanted to agree but only if they could do consistent one-on-one’s with Ant. Of course those females we refused. He loved me so much that he wanted all aspects of me happy; that made me feel good.

About four and a half months into my relationship with Ant, Neka reappeared. I told her about my relationship with Ant; I hadn’t spoken to her since I wrote my heart felt confessional back in October/November. To my surprise, she sounded very hurt, and this confused me. That is when she broke down and said she had been struggling with her feelings, so when I approached her so open and honest, it scared her. However, she said she had been in love with me for the longest, and although it had been ages since we connected she had never stopped feeling that way for me. She told me about the vivid dreams she had of us together and expressed interest in us meeting, that the job she had would bring her my way, if I was interested. She knew I was still in college but would be willing to pay for hotel and everything.

I realized during my reconnect with her that my feelings never ceased; I still was in love with Neka.

She asked me if Ant knew and I told her about my desires but I didn’t mention her because I never envisioned she would feel the same way. She revealed to me that she had a boyfriend, and her relationship was long distance. However, he had no idea that she liked females.

Since I was still in the experimental stage, Neka having a boyfriend did not upset me. I did think she should come clean but I didn’t want to force her. It was her choice; I was confident she would do it in her own time. I told her I would tell Ant about her; her plans to meet up with me while in the area. 

I did let Ant know; he heard the delight in my voice. He was very happy for me and was glad for she and I to be meeting each other. After all, I had known Neka a bit longer, there was more history there. Plus, it would be nice for her to keep me company since it had started becoming harder for him to get a way to see me. He was feeling bad about that. I told him it was okay; my class load, extracurricular activities, and getting ready for graduation were taking the forefront, so my being busy helped the loneliness.

But as time got closer to seeing Neka, I couldn’t help it. Besides schoolwork, my writings, and graduation, Neka started becoming more of the centerpiece of my conversations with Ant. She began calling me; soon, she called me more than Ant did.

I didn’t love Ant any less; I understood he was on a budget; he was just starting out at college and didn’t have much money. Neka, however, was out in the workforce; had graduated from college a year early and was already in the workforce--her own transportation, her own apartment in TX. She was just in a different station in life.

I realize in hindsight that my hunger to bond with Neka put a bit of salt in my union with Ant. He composed an e-mail to me regarding how sick he was of hearing about Neka; how he felt like she had replaced him as the main person in my life. He expressed that if she and I did connect in that way, he didn’t want to hear about it; how he felt as if I weren’t in love with him anymore…

I did not really respond to him. I felt a bit agitated, actually. How could you be in favor of her at first and change one’s spots so soon? I was so caught up in how hurt he was feeling over Neka’s access to me, I didn’t take into account whether his words held an ounce of credence. I hadn’t done him wrong or dirty. I had been approached by other men, but I never messed around on him, despite the distance. For all intensive purposes, I was the devoted girlfriend. I never followed up on his activities or automatically thought he was messing around on me when he wasn’t in his room. I trusted him to be faithful. The love was still there; I was confused on what he had a problem with. Even with the Neka situation, I kept open communication with him.

He chose to stay upset with me; it made it so much easier for me to open myself to her. She and I both were drunk with passion, pleasure…our bodies felt like they were on fire. To me, this was what my first time with a woman should have been like; I had a one night stand during my summer internship; it was pretty disastrous. I could not get enough of Neka. She was the drug and I was addicted.

My time with her ended much too quickly; she had to head back to TX. I understood. Despite not wanting to know, the next time Ant talked to me, he did ask. I thought of him saying he didn’t want to know and opted not to tell him at first.

“Ant, which one is it? Do you want to know or don’t you?”

“Did it happen and was it good?”

“Yes, to both.”

“Did you even think about me while it was happening?”

During that time, I was still ticked off with Ant because of the E-mail, but I wasn’t one to lie, either.

“No.”

He hung up, and needless to say, the relationship changed after that. I graduated and was at home for a bit. My grandma had gotten sick and was in the hospital. I had a job offer for Chicago but passed on it to be there for her; to try and see if I could get a job in my field close to home.

Ant and I still tried to be together, but I sensed he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was distant; he had a death in the family; he was consumed with grief. He and I fell into a disconnect. I waited for the old Ant, full of fire, love, hope, and desire to return. But he lay dormant.

So I made the decision for him.

Neka and I still kept in touch. She couldn’t live the lie anymore; she finally broke down and told her boyfriend everything; the two of them broke up.

In my relationship with her, I discovered that my feelings were past the experimental stage.

In Neka’s relationship with me, she discovered she was too scared to be that open with her feelings. She would only be out so much, and in the end, she wanted to go back to the experimental stage. She went back to her closet and was too chicken to tell me until the end when I was scouting out the possibility to moving closer to where she was.

So yes, for me, being in love with two people was possible. But it became much; there are stages where your feelings for one can overtake the other…for me, it never remained the same throughout. This is just my story; I am sure there are some who are/were able to do that with a bit of success.

As far as where they are now….

Neka, I discovered, got married. She and I ceased communication after our relationship ended, although she was the one that extended the branch of friendship. I’m pretty sure her husband doesn’t know about her escapades of experimenting.

I actually still talk to Ant from time to time. He’s married; content, but not fulfilled. At times, he mentions how happy he was in our relationship, despite Neka, and wish he hadn’t gotten so caught up in himself to make things work.

He wants to wonder “what if…”

I’m content to let that ship sail.