It has been a couple of weeks. Weeks of ebbs and flows, but that is the
River of Life.
May is going to prove to be quite a month. It will serve as a big test for me because a
variety of things—both good and bad have happened to be in the month of May.
The 3rd made two and a half years for the sweetie
and me. With the exception of my relationship
with M, this is the longest relationship I’ve been in. I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m not going to overanalyze or start
believing things are going too well. I’m
embracing this stillness and loving day by day.
I’m not saying its’ not without its’ hiccups, but the smoothness
outweighs them all.
The 5th marked the anniversary of my grandfather’s
death. Some very ugly events happened
the day of the occurrence. Perhaps I
will backtrack in a separate entry with the events, but to make a long story
short, my mom had my uncle arrested over some bull, which has resulted in steps
being taken as it pertains to arrangements on the property. That is all I’m going to say about it until
everything is ultimately resolved.
It
definitely did put a damper on everything, since Grandma is still having a hard
time coping with his loss. Although
there were times where they would fuss and fight, you would never know it
because their business was never out there for others to know. They stayed united, and I know they loved
each other.
In times of tragedy, you
normally find families trying to come closer together; some members in my
family, however, are hell bent in tearing each other apart. It is sad, and I know Grandpa isn’t happy
about it at all.
The 19th marks the fourth anniversary of the
breakup with M. I was asked if I had
heard from her by a couple of people, and I haven’t. It’s as if she made herself disappear.
I don’t find myself thinking about her until
someone asks me, “When’s the last time I’ve seen her or heard from her?” Then, I really have to think about the
situation.
Then I get asked, “Do you
miss her?”
That question is a tricky one.
I miss her poetry. I
miss the collaborations we used to do together. I miss when I knew she loved me, craved me, and wasn't happy until we constantly meshed together in all ways (and vice versa). I miss the times when she was closest to being purely happy (not manic,
but happy). I miss when we talked for hours,
when we would take trips—when we exposed each other to new things.
I don’t miss the drama.
I know there are some out there who thrive and live off
drama, but that’s not me…not the unnecessary type, anyway. Not when someone is acting so crazy it makes
you feel crazy.
I've been engulfed in
that…and you can have that back.
In hindsight, I think the two of us making the decision to
be a couple probably ruined our friendship.
Although she initially made an effort for us to have friendship, I had
to admit I just wasn’t ready. The wounds
just cut too deep. How could I go back
to trusting her in the form of friendship when I trusted her with everything
else, and I got torn apart? The healing
balm just didn’t have that level of potency.
I don’t think my failure to sustain the friendship made me weak; in
fact, I think it had the opposite effect.
I was finally honest enough with myself to know it wasn’t healthy for
me.
May 30th and May 31st will be the
birthdays of two of my most favorite people in the world—my sweetie’s sister
and the sweetie.
I will deal with the pain and the sadness as it comes and savor the sweetness that follows.
And so it is!
Peace.
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