Grieving Process (Thrashes of the Feel-o-sophical)

feel-o-sophical: state of feeling a myriad of emotions and trying to place meaning or philosophy behind them

…this is not for the weak of heart

You dare yourself to be vulnerable

At the risk of being ripped apart

Having a predator hungry

For a dish more savory

But the other isn’t used to the taste

So it gets frowned on unfavorably

And tossed back like that too small fish

Or bloody, pungent road kill

I guess I will start the story here

Where my glistening tears spill….

I’m trying to have a conversation to get to the meat of the matter.  An excavation of how the things I have depth for are getting treated so flippantly.  Not sure if it’s intentional or one of those instances where one says the first thing that spills from the lips without thinking.  

Either way, my sleep was extremely uneasy.

I have become more honest with myself when things bother me.  

I have made great strides not to bottle as much, nor do I want to come out with neck moving (although I’ve never done the neck thing much), guns blazing, and tones on full blast.  However, I can’t ignore the things which tug at me.

I thought I had set my alarm this morning, so I can’t even recall whether I arose, shut it off or went back to sleep.  Perhaps I had never set it at all.  I know is that I woke up and realized I only had ten to fifteen minutes top before I had to rush out of the door.  

This thing weighs so heavy, yet I know I don’t have the time to give it the attention it deserves, nor do I want to bring it out now before I can truly decipher what all the feelings represent from a psychological and objective standpoint.  However, when it was time to give the customary greeting upon my departure, the coldness was sensed and the inquiry was spilled.  Of course I had to say that there wasn’t time to discuss it (which there wasn’t); it wasn’t code word for “not wanting to talk about it”.  I just was trying to do it when the intensity of my emotions were toned down just a bit.

I’ve tried to be understanding, to adopt empathy through the tough time.  

Yet I still feel.  

This thing that just recently happened, although the confession was made rather than my stumbling upon it, has sucked me like a vacuum.  It has in the sense of around this time, a year ago, the other thing (that I accidentally discovered) came to the forefront.  I have really been working hard to get past that first thing because the first one ripped me open—not necessarily the activity, but because of the deception, the comparison of what each of us was told.  I know I will never get the entire truth of the matter, but the sting of the irresponsibility required a lot of medicine.  

Just when the swelling of that sting had sunk and had gotten to the point where it was numbed, this new thing (which was really an old thing because it was claimed to have happened a while back—but in the male mind, a while could be two days ago…) comes along.

It is like I put a pause on dealing with it because the other happenings took so much precedence. 

It reminded me of when M was upset with something and she would lash out.  I couldn’t really deal with it at the time because I was working, so I tend to go into autopilot, put on my game face, and do what needs to be done, telling myself, “When I’m done with this, then I will deal with the rest.”  At times, with M, it would never come because the fury would be back-to-back, and by the time everything finally came full circle, I was emotionally gushing and mentally fuming.

Now that life is attempting to go on past the other happenings, it’s time for me to fully deal with how this thing has impacted me.

Some may say this is a Virgo thing, but it is a combination of it being me as well as it being the Virgo in me.  It is not enough to just tell me the thing happened; it has to have a back story.

It has to have origins—“What was going on that would make you want to do this?”

It has to have some form of payoff- “When you were doing this thing, how did it make you feel?  What did you gain from doing this? “

It has to have a purpose-“Why did you do this?”

You get what I mean? 

To the origins, I’ve been getting “I don’t know.”  To the payoff, "I've been guilty, I feel bad and wish I could take it back.” To the purpose, “I don’t know, wish I could take it back.”

Then to the payoff response, of course my natural inclination is to be, “Well, if you felt so bad, why didn’t you stop the moment you felt bad? You obviously couldn’t have been feeling bad during the time it occurred because it came full circle.”

I can’t sit and fake things are all right.  Both would be getting done a disservice.  I don’t think it’s throwing anything back in anyone’s face.  I am just trying to get real with this thing.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and I had done certain things, should I really expect the other person to continue on as if these things didn’t have impact?  I’m not talking about constantly throwing the past stuff in the other person’s face, but giving the other person time to gain back the trust and respect that was initially given, even if the time frames aren’t in alignment.

If I had done these things, I wouldn’t expect forgiveness right away.  Heck, I wouldn’t expect forgiveness at all.  I probably wouldn’t even ask for the other try, simply because if I am doing these things, then obviously I’m unhappy with the current situation at hand.  

If it were me, it wouldn’t have even gotten to that point. 

I would have expressed my views beforehand the moment something was lacking, and if the things didn’t get attended to, I would just bounce.  I wouldn’t leave myself open to riding the fence or being accused of not being true…not just once, but twice in the same year.

Some men are different in that way.  They want to be forgiven cleanly no matter what they do, but let the female do the same thing, there will be a Timberland boot print in the middle of her ass.  She’d get called every low life thing in the book.  He’d be telling his boys how he had been played, putting up a good front, maybe even getting other women to have fun with, when in reality, he doesn’t want to show that he got ripped apart.

To me, I feel like the only way this could remotely make sense is if there’s a reality being lived outside of my existence.  For if a person acts like he’s in his own head, should he really be held liable?  Of course the whole fly by the seat of my pants approach can apply because the actions only affect him.  These other things are no big deal because if one is in his own head, he can’t see the repercussions.  I suppose he needs an extra to make it seem like he’s part of the outside world.

Perhaps he chose the wrong extra.

I know females that can do extra.  Females that are only in the moment, don’t even look at the future and don’t subscribe to have a future.  I know females who are okay with the withholding information and the lies (even if they catch the guys doing it).  I know females that will let a guy self destruct because she doesn’t care or she doesn’t want to rock the boat.

Perhaps he is too used to the extras and this newness is scary, causing one to retract to old behaviors.

However, it’s not like I faked to be something else.  It was known upon the approach I was the opposite of the elements you had dealt with; it was accepted. 

I didn’t do a Maury, act like I was pregnant with child knowing it wasn’t yours, but told you it was so that you’d stay. 

I came; I came with honesty and with an acceptance of myself I had been struggling with for decades.  I didn’t have time to shop around for the ointment or the concealer to hide the tryst of my past relationships.  I couldn’t beautify certain things because certain things I never had the opportunity to just tell; I had put those things on pause, so of course when they finally spilled forth, they were fraught with the toxicity of a rusty blade, but I felt better, for it was out there.

I couldn’t come into this the way I came in with the rest.  

In the past, I hadn’t clearly expressed where I wanted things to go; I assumed we were both on the same wavelength.  If I realized this person was just seasonal and not someone to build a lifetime with, I made the assumption the person would pick up on it.  

With this, I laid out the blueprint, and if adjustments were to be made, I wouldn’t just automatically do them, there would be a conversation about it. 

I’m not the extra.  

I wouldn’t be a true friend or anything deeper if I don’t call out flaws that cause danger in your interaction with other people, particular ones you claim to care about, love, and be in love with.  I also wouldn’t be true if I didn’t say when I feel like you aren’t as invested in this as you initially were, not necessarily through the words but the actions being in contradiction.  I don’t think I’m wrong in trying to make sure that you aren’t doing saying things just for the sake of redemption because for me, this type of thing just doesn’t go away.

People just have to be careful the way they use words.  Respect. Honesty. Love. In-love.  I understand we are human, but if there is a bond of love/in-love that is supposed to be strong, then no other elements should be able to come in and cause erosion.  

Even if you see it as harmless, you have to look beyond the act—like if I act “this way”, will the person respond to it “this way”.  You cannot always be responsible for how the other person acts; you have to be responsible for how you act.

Where I work, more the second gig than the first, you deal with all types of people.  Some guys, particularly the truckers, tend to want to get friendly with the female cashier. 

Now, I can’t go around and scowl at everyone—wouldn’t promote good customer service.   However, I have to be able to decipher when the guy is just making small talk and when he is making a play. 

If I am not saying (even if the ring is there on the finger) anything preferring to my status or even referencing it in conversation…like if the guy is a NY Giants fan, I could be like, “Hey, my (relationship type/title) is a big fan of them, too.”, then I’m leaving myself open for trouble. 

Or if I’m wanting a bit of sensual/sexual attention and the person I’m with isn’t there, I still have control over what I do, even if the sexual tension feels uncontrollable.  There are options rather than reaching out to someone else to do that.  I’d rather the guy have an investment in porno, magazines, or a lifetime supply of Jergens than to get on the phone and reach out to another person to offer him some assistance.  

It’s all about choices.

A person can’t keep making bad choices and say he doesn’t know.  That’s like a puppy that’s been house trained continuing to poop on the rug long after he should know better.  It just doesn’t fly. 

A person can’t keep chalking up everything to the past.  Yes, the past has a part in shaping one’s behaviors and attitudes, but it’s up to the person whether he uses it as a crutch or a stepping stone to do better.  One can’t say, “I’m trying to be a better person,” yet when things go wrong, chalk it up to, “Old habits die hard.” 

I know changes can’t happen overnight, but some things don’t get the learning curve, especially if you are a number of years in. 

Some of the old habits are the reasons you aren’t getting what you fully want out of your relationships, although you put out there you want honesty, acceptance, trust, faithfulness, respect, and love.  

When are you going to be grown and just drink that truth serum?

Just quit saying, “I don’t know.”  

Even if one doesn’t want to admit the why and the how, I’d rather be told, “I’m not comfortable with revealing how and why this went down.” To me, that is more honest than not knowing.

Allso, “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” would suffice, but only if it’s actually true—if one didn’t think it was a big deal.

Ideally, this is what I would like to see or hear being said in response to this recent thing:

“I can see that my actions have caused you stress and pain and I will give you the time you need to deal with your feelings associated with this.  I accept this won’t happen overnight and the sting may be felt days, weeks, or months from now.  I respect your grieving process.”

Yes, it’s a grieving process.  Just like the actual death of a person.  Anything that puts a major chink in the foundation of a relationship causes a death in its initial strength.  I need to go through the motions; I need the time to grieve the loss of that level of concreteness, for it may never return. 

So for your sanity and my own, I ask that you let me grieve.

One.

Medical Mayhem: The Saga Continues

I just realized it has been a while since I’ve given a full update on my medical struggles.  I will take the time, while it is fresh on my mind, to do so.

Charity Care (Not So Charitable):

Originally, they said it would take almost three weeks to get back to me.  Strangely, the three weeks got shortened into three days.  I guess that is what happens when the administration knows they are going to reject you.  I got sent a letter stating that I was rejected because the total amount of income, counting my unemployment, was above their threshold—the threshold they consider “too poor to pay”.

I shook my head, since I’m getting penalized from income I was making two years ago to dictate NOT getting the help I need in the present.  

I did write a letter to them, explaining that after paying rent, utilities, and car insurance, there was barely enough left—plus the majority of my income I received from unemployment, not through wages, which was minimal to none the past few years.  They rejected my request for an appeal to their decision.

I’m working two jobs, but my income is less than it was when I was just pulling unemployment.  

I know that is hard to believe, but in my circumstance, it is true.  

Then, when I put this fact in front of them, I don’t get the empathy or sympathy but the question of my unemployment award numbers.  I don’t make the numbers or decide the amounts to be awarded.

In the meantime, while this battle is going on, from the time I wrote that last entry about my health (June 14^th) up until about July 17^th, I had still been bleeding.  I hadn’t had an opportunity to get my blood work done, and I haven’t had the ultrasound work done, simply because even going in on a sliding scale I’d have to pay over $300 out of pocket.  That money, I cannot comfortably invest without having to go without something else, whether it is food or my medication.

Turbulent Throat and Plight of the Voiceless:

Not having sick pay sucks...

After coming back from New York, I attempted to get back in the swing of working, since I had taken off two and a half days from the day job and two days from the side hustle.  I was working the side hustle and noticed I wasn’t quite feeling up to snuff.  I wasn’t feeling excessively bad, but I noticed I was feeling feverish and my throat was starting to ache.  I attended the day gig Monday as well as Tuesday, but I noticed my glands were swollen, having a cough that wouldn’t go away, body aches, fever…the whole nine.

By the time Wednesday morning (July 18^th) came around, my voice decided to take a vacation.  It was gone.  My throat was tight; I was a mess.  What I thought was only to have me missing work for a couple of days turned into almost a week.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if both jobs didn’t require me to do a whole lot of talking, but since they do, it would’ve been a bad idea for me to have been around.

The strange thing is—I never really miss my voice until I don’t have it.  I’m not a person who does a whole lot of talking.  I’m mainly one who does a lot of listening.  It would annoy me more not being able to hear than not being able to talk, to be honest with you. 

The toughest part was going to the gas station, since out here, you aren’t supposed to pump your own gas.  I had to write down or gesture to the attendant how much gas I wanted in my tank.  One guy got offended that I wasn’t saying anything until he realized no matter how much he squatted to try to hear me, no sounds were coming out. 

My voice isn’t quite at 100%; my cough hasn’t fully gone away, and my throat is still a little sore.

However, I did notice through all of this, something has gone away. 

The bleeding.

I’m not sure whether it is purely a coincidence.

I’m not sure whether it is a situation where my body can’t handle both of these things going on at the same time, and it’s waiting until one is over with before the bleeding starts again.

I’m not sure whether my brain told that particular part, “Hey they are broke and can’t check on you yet, start up again when they have more cash,” and it said, “Okay.”

I just don’t know, but it is baffling to say the least.

Until the next episode.

One.

Online Interaction: The Who, The Why, & The Wacky

Why are you on-line, really?

I pose this based on a variety of statuses I’ve seen as it pertains to Internet presence (particularly on Facebook).

Compared to the exposure kids get to the Internet and social networking, I can honestly say I’m a dinosaur.

I didn’t get exposed to the Internet or computers much until my last couple of years of high school, but primary in college.  I found the whole experience fascinating.  I thought it was cool how you could interact with so many people you have never seen, whether it was through being in the same state, same culture, or same interests.

In the beginning, my favorite spots were Yahoo (especially Yahoo 360), College Club (not sure how many people remember it), Black Planet, and My Space.  

In addition, since I was very passionate about poetry, I did stumble upon a site entitled Fireseek.  It encompassed a lot of wonderful talents in all types of poetry (prose, haiku, senryu), short stories, and even spoken word.  It was one of those places I had fun in and I really felt like I belonged, like I was with my own.  I interacted with some wonderful people, some I still keep in contact with until this day.

However, I am no longer there, not because I stopped enjoying the poetry or the writings, but because certain people went through extreme measures to get rid of me.  

When this occurred, the reality hit—just because it was on the Internet doesn’t mean that childish, unfair things do not take place.  It’s not necessarily the Internet’s fault, either, but the people who are involved.

My theory is whether the Internet is in the equation or not, whatever negative attributes a person has doesn’t just go away because the person is online.  Sometimes, the negative traits are further amplified due to the person being online.

It all boils down to presentation.

Who do you want to be online?  

Do you want to truly be yourself or do you want to be a persona? 

Do you have different aspects of your personality and create different accounts to display them?  

Do you want your online person to be a complete 180 of who you are in real life?

I found in my years of being on Fireseek, which later became Urban Poetic (now I don’t know where it is now), that there were a lot of personas.  Those who acted like they were larger than life celebrities.

In the beginning, I didn’t catch on to it.  I was just happy to be able to share and read works from people who were like me.  

However, as I got deeper involved in the club, becoming a moderator (a very popular moderator at that) and later an administrator, I began to pick up on certain behaviors.  I started getting treated a bit differently by certain administrators.

I’m the type of person if I don’t like your or feel uneasy with you, I don’t put on this big farce.  Not saying that I’ll act nasty towards you.  I will act civil but it isn't a love fest. 

A couple of the higher ones were not fans of me, and it could have been a number of reasons—from a lot of the membership being able to relate to my pieces, popularity, cause someone she was liking was digging me…whatever the case, I ended up being on her “take out” list.  

The higher two got others to help in the effort, including a few people I thought I could trust but ended up betraying me in the end. 

Since then, one I was able to forgive and resumed communication with because I realized she got caught up. 

The other individual, however, doesn’t get that courtesy, for he knew me, not just in passing, but I believed he and I really had a deep friendship.  He knew what the two were doing was wrong, but because they promised him further advancement on his separate goals, he sold me out to achieve this power.  

However, it was those same two that had him banned from the membership a few years prior.  That betrayal tore at me the most, and although he has tried to reach out to me, I have no interest in inviting him any closer to my life. 

Since that experience with Fireseek/Urban Poetic, I haven’t become overly invested in being a part of online clubs.  If they are in alignment with things I like, then I will check them out or if one of my close friends tells me it’s a club she feels it is cool, then I will check it out.  As far as my seeking them out, that aspect I don’t do anymore.

Then, more people started being a part of Facebook instead of My Space.  

Black Planet started being view more as a spot where people just wanted to do MGF’s (meet, greet, f**k) instead of Networking.  

College Club didn’t seem to make sense for people who had gotten out of college, and Yahoo lost its’ mojo once they got rid of how Yahoo 360 was originally set up.

So I stopped visiting MySpace, Black Planet, and College Club.

I said goodbye to Yahoo 360, which was heartbreaking because I loved blogging at that spot.

Now my primary spot is Facebook.  I can connect with my relatives, high school alumni, college alumni, people I use to connect with on Yahoo 360, so it definitely serves its’ role.  I wasn’t quick to jump on the bandwagon of being a part of the clubs; heck, I wasn’t even aware there were clubs at first until I started getting invited and added to some.

At first, I didn't mind people getting so excited that they wanted to invite and add me to everything, but after a while, I saw myself being put in over fifteen clubs, and practically none of them had anything to do with what I was interested in or what I was about.  Some of these people just wanted pretty faces or to boost numbers.

So I started deleting myself from those clubs. 

Then, you have clubs that started being fun or exciting, but start doing things which take the fun and excitement out of them.  I have fallen victim to one of these—this particular spot seems to put new rules in place every week.  Some of the rules I understood—apparently this person wants the club to be G/PG during the daytime hours and a soft R during the evening hours.  I even understood wanting people to actively participate because it sucks to have a lot of people in a club but only have a handful of people talking or just the same people talking. 

A new rule came out that I had issue with.  If there is a rule I have issue with, rather than put someone on blast, I like to go to someone one-on-one to address the topic.  

That is what I did, and the interaction with this particular person reminded me of someone who claims he is open to discussion, but when you bring the discussion and it’s a viewpoint he doesn’t like, gets ticked off and becomes closed minded.  

Or worse, when the person brought things into the conversation that has nothing to do with the initial issue. 

So when I saw the response, I shook my head and was like, “How did we get here?”

But it all dates back to presentation and persona; how seriously someone takes their presence online?

I’m finding a lot of people take it very seriously; some, a bit too seriously for comfort.  

There are going to be kinks in perfect participation from club memberships, drama free interactions, and inappropriate conversations because as long as you are dealing with humans, you have to accept there are possibilities there will be resistance to the type of things you are trying to uphold.

The only thing you can do is try to be a selective as possible in who you include.

You also have to decide which is more important: quality or quantity of members.  Contrary to popular belief, just because you have more people doesn’t necessarily mean more participation.  In a lot of situations, there can be more lurkers (folks who just want to see what the club is about) than bonafide participants. 

You also have to decide if the rules you are putting in place are good ones.  It may be the very rules that may cause the club growth to become stunted or even worse, cause people who would have stayed to just leave.

On this one, I’m not going to debate.  I’ve stated my case.  I’m just going to do a Snagglepuss on this one.

Deuces.

When My Time Comes

These thoughts have been swirling for the longest.  I wasn’t sure when would be the right time to put them out there.  On the same token, I never give them a timetable; whatever pops up first is what tends to get written about.

This has been inspired by quite a few things:

1. The things that occurred and are still occurring in the aftermath of my grandfather’s death a little over a year ago.

But more so because of:

2. The recent events that occurred during the recent passing of the Sweetie’s dad.

When my time comes, ask yourself if you really knew me.

When I was younger, were you the person who sat back and did nothing while I was bullied?  Were you the bully?  Or did you stand up for me?

When I was going through my awkward phase, did you seek to understand me or did you poke fun?  Did you shun me for seeking intelligence or did you just use me for it?

When my time comes, can you honestly say you were a true friend?

Or were you fair-weather, willing to stay when things were smooth, but saved yourself if it appeared, if only temporarily, instances when times were rough.

Were you a taker and walked away when I decided I could no longer give or that the giving towards you was draining the life out of me?

When my time comes, can you honestly say you loved me?

Did you embody the principles of love or did you mistreat me, make a fool of me, and expect me to stick around?

Did you break my heart and feel no guilt?

Did you try to return simply because the other person failed you or you realized I was the best thing that ever happened to you?

Did your love still remain even if I decided it was best that we remained exes?  Or did it fade off at the sign of bad news?

Yes, so many questions, but I put all these things out there to say this:

If you don’t try to get to know me currently…

If you aren’t trying to be a good friend to me currently…

If you are playing around with the word “love” as it pertains to our interaction currently…

Please don’t act like we were something else once I’m gone.

I get it.  During a time of loss, you don’t want to look bad.  You don’t want to make it seem like you weren’t right, so you play the role.

Outsiders will look at you and be like, “That’s so sweet for so and so to come out, make the trip, etc.”

However, I will be wondering, “What are you doing here?”  So will those who know the history.

I just want you to acknowledge you are being there to make yourself feel good, not out of any love, honor, or respect towards me (unless you are truly repenting).  You think by being there in the latter, it will grant you forgiveness for not being there in the former.

Also, how does it look if you make a big almost Oscar worthy speech of your love for me, peace for the family, and a few days later, you go back to the very foulness that could have caused the dissent in the first place?

Yes, that’s the main thing I want adhered to when my time comes:  No fronting, if you weren’t there before, don’t try to make a grand appearance now.


Deuces.

Open Letter: What I Didn't Have a Chance to Say

Roberto Villanueva
(11/21/63-7/7/12)
Rest in Peace

My heart feels heavy.

I regret I didn't get a chance to get to really know you. I believed as I got more ingrained into the family fabric we would have more of an opportunity. However, all it took was a misdiagnosis and for things to run too rampant to be stopped. 

My grandfather's fate was that they thought they got all of it out and the remnants that remained from the operation didn't have a chance to turn cancerous. Well, the doctors got that wrong, and with my grandfather being up in age, they deemed the chemotherapy too risky.

When I got the news about things deteriorating, I had that same feeling when my grandmother gave me the call back in March about my grandfather. I had the feeling you weren't going to be around much longer; if the opportunity wasn't taken advantage of, I wouldn't get another one. I still remember just before I left, when I was at the hospital bed, you told me that you'd “see me later”. What you didn't know is that afterward, I cried, because I just sensed that I wouldn't.

Then, the world stops. That is what it feels like when you lose someone close to you, especially if it seems way too soon. 

In my grandfather's case, he lived a relatively full life prior to being diagnosed. However, for you, I still believe you had more things you wanted to accomplish, more memories you wanted to share, and that was taken from you.

I know you were quite impressed with the turnout; believe me, you were not the only one, but it shows how much you were thought of, and that is definitely something to smile about. I know you appreciated the wonderful slide show and the words everyone said. Krystal's rendition of that song was incredible.

I am so glad you are no longer suffering. I know you are glad of it as well. It will take some time for those of us here to adjust. I keep waiting for you to pop on Xbox, invite your sons to play Gears of War or Zombies on Call of Duty Black Ops. Map, of course, had to be Five. Discussing strategy and becoming animated if things didn't go according to plan. I admit I don't take the games nearly as seriously but I do respect those who do.

I want to commend you on being there for two boys whose father didn't want to stick around and take responsibility. Some people say, “Well, when you are with a woman with children, that comes with the territory.” 

However, every man doesn't have that same mentality. Every man doesn't step in and try to be a role model or an epitome of characteristics a man should have or what one should be. You stepped in and did it the best way possible. I respect you for that.

Say hello to Colby and Franklin (my cats) for me, if they aren't hiding from Clyde and Buster. When you see my grandfather up there, feel free to sit and have a chat with him. Some of the words, like “authenticate”, he may not get—he's a simple man, but I have a hunch that you guys would get along, although he will never understand the concept of conversational cussing.

See you later.

Warped: The Bashing Within

On my Facebook, I tend to like things and groups that I am interested in or intrigued about.  One of my likes is this page called Plus Model Magazine.  There was an interesting post that I read in my news feed on Facebook from them concerning Body Bashing, not as it pertains to slim women versus plus sized women, but plus sized women bashing each other.


This has got me to thinking.

The scenario is so true, not just in the plus sized modeling industry but in the normal world as well.

How many times have you seen this scene play out?

Amber (size 14) and Rachel (size 12) are out at the mall, trying to find a good sale on some shoes.  While they are making their way to the shoe store, they see Breanna (size 22) coming out of Lane Bryant.  They wait until they are sure Breanna can’t hear them before engaging in dialogue:

“Oh my God!  Did you see her?” scoffs Rachel.

“Yes, I did!  It’s good she had long hair but I guess that covers up her short neck,” replies Amber, while trying to stifle her giggle.

“I know the long shirt with the jeggings are in, but she is way too big for that!  It looks like the jeggings are crying for help?” interjects Rachel as they start looking on the discount rack for pumps.  Amber can no longer hold back, and both of them begin laughing.

“I know I got curves, but I’m so glad I’m not that huge!  I don’t ever want to be that huge!” exclaims Amber. “Girl, that is why after we get through with this shopping, we are going to get some salads.  We got to stay thick and not get sloppy!”

“You ain’t never lied!” chimed in Rachel.

How can we chide slim ladies for poking fun if we are doing it in our own circles?

We want to gain acceptance for our curves.

However, if one set of curves don’t look the same way as another set of curves, we start to place one standard above another.  What sense does that make?

To me it makes absolutely none.

Just because a lady is a size 20 doesn’t mean she is unhealthy.  Similarly, just because a lady is a size 12 doesn’t mean she is healthy.

There are so many factors to take in.  Do large frames run in her family?  Does she have factors that slow her metabolism or medical conditions that make it tough for the weight to come off or limit her ability to exercise?

Also, if one goes by BMI (or Body Mass Index), there are quite a few people who may visually appear to be normal weight, yet according to the index, they are deemed overweight or obese.

For example, the Sweetie is tall.  He’s about 6’5”, and he weighs in at approximately 220 lbs.  If you look at the BMI Chart for Men (which is also what the doctors go by to determine healthy weight), he is considered to be overweight.    


Yet, his stomach is virtually flat; his limbs are very lean.  His ideal weight should be somewhere between 150-200 pounds for his height.  

I guess that is why he has issue with this being the measuring stick for if someone is healthy, for there are some athletes who are considered overweight or obese according to BMI, but are in phenomenal shape and eat healthy.

According to BMI Chart for Women, I am considered obese.  I acknowledge that I have extra weight.  I am making great strides in becoming healthier and slimmer.

However, their optimal projection for my height is that I be somewhere between 120-149 pounds.

I don’t know how I am going to arrive at 120 pounds considering that the women in my family tend to be on the fuller side.

Also, I’m on medications that have side effects which hurt my metabolism.

In addition, I am extremely full up front—so much so that I have to order bras online and have them custom fitted because they don’t carry my size in regular stores.

Even if I exercise vigorously, my breasts may shrink some, but not shrink to where I can handle being a 120 pound frame without surgery being a factor in the equation; I really don’t want to undergo surgery.

Even my being 149 is pushing it a little.

The smallest I’ve been, taking my early childhood out of the equation, has been 158.  And even by BMI standards, that would make me overweight.

So I really don’t want to go by that number.

I want to go by my body measurements, my fat percentage vs. muscle mass percentage.  I can deal with gaining weight if I am gaining muscle; I recognize that muscle is denser than fat.  Some people don’t realize that and can get agitated when there are a few weeks where the weight increases because one automatically thinks fat is coming back when it is really muscle.  

I want to go with how I am feeling—am I feeling healthier; do I have more energy than I did before?  If the answers to those are yes, then I am satisfied.

I can’t get myself worked up over getting to a number set by an index.  But I do want to have a realistic goal on where I want my body to be; I don’t want to set the bar so high that I beat up on myself if I cannot get to it.

We cannot ask others to accept us if we self-sabotage ourselves.  We can’t high five the full chested, wide hips, and full bottoms, yet act disgusted if we see other women who have rolls.  We want to tell her to cover her rolls up, but what if she is proud of them?  What if she is rocking so much confidence that she isn’t going to be told anything different?  If we poke fun at her, that says more about us than it does her.

Even if the fashion police runs their radar, there is a right and a wrong way to approach the situation.  If we are talking about her when she walks away, then we aren’t any better than those bullies who taunted us for our weight.

We can’t change our perception of what is beautiful if the people used to represent full figured are not a true reflection of the average plus sized woman.

Although the industry has come a long way, there are still some flaws.  In some of the magazines, women who aren’t plus sized still get used.

When truly plus sized models are used, they are tall as opposed to average or short—so the same fashion on her (5’9” and above) may not look the same on me.  There is still a gap to be filled.

Show me an average plus sized woman—a woman I can relate to, who hasn't been photoshopped.  

Show me a plus sized woman who isn’t over 5’9”-where being petite and plus doesn’t equate a bad thing or an automatic: “you have to lose weight”.

Give me options that are beautiful and affordable.

There are some of these websites where although the price is right, the look is wrong.  More often than not, you also get the reverse: where you see something beautiful but it’s like $300.  Give me beautiful stuff at a “mother who is trying to raise kids” prices or “a woman who got bills and doesn’t have a man to get stuff for her" prices.

Is it really that hard?  It shouldn’t be.

I say, “Less Body Bashing; More Body Blossoming.  For the sexiest thing on a woman has nothing to do with her body; it has everything to do with confidence.”

One.

Immeasurable Grief: Loss of a Life Mate

You can never understand unless you’ve experienced it.

When you find someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, there is nothing like it.  I’m not talking about the whole “in love” rush because over the years, that can ebb and flow.  I’m not talking about just when things are going well because life can throw a lot of curveballs and test you.  I’m not even talking about when you look your healthiest and finest because who knows how kind the elements will be to you when you get old.

I’m talking about the type of love where you not only grow as a couple but also individually.  The type of love that is honest—that won’t sacrifice maturity for ego.  The type of love which focuses on the intangibles and not caught up in putting on a big show for others or keeping up with a certain lifestyle just to please other people.

I’m talking about that type of love, where, no matter what happens, you would rather that person be by your side than anywhere else.  Even when the two of you get upset at each other, you’d rather fight with that person than experience anyone else.

How many people have that type of iron clad love?  From the statistics you hear, with half of marriage ending in divorce, you would think it’s impossible.

But it is out there; I have seen it.

My grandparents were together for over sixty years before he died of cancer a little over a year ago.  Sure, they had moments when they had arguments, but the words “separation” or “divorce” never exited their mouths.  I don’t think it was only because people didn’t do much of that type of thing in their day…it was because they didn’t WANT to.  

To have that type of connection gone is a tough thing.

Yes, I lost a grandfather (although he was more of a father than anything).  My uncles, aunts, and mom lost a father.  But it’s nothing like the loss my grandma has experienced.  She lost her help mate in all things; how can you tell her to just move on?  It’s not like she’s going to go out there at 90 years old and try to find her a new person to be with.  They should just expect that her grieving process is going to be a long one or better yet, be respectful when she has good days and bad days.

So I take offense when people deem…A loss is a loss…

It is not the same thing.

My Sweetie lost his dad this past Sunday.  Technically, it’s his stepdad, but he stepped in when his dad was nowhere to be seen.  To me, that is Dad.

My grandpa also served as a stepdad, for only the last three children Grandma gave birth to were biologically his (would have been four, but one died in childbirth); the rest were from a previous relationship; however, my grandpa never treated them any differently than his own (and there were four others; one just recently passed on).

Yes, he lost his father, but it’s not the same type of loss as his mom is facing right now.

I understand her pain because during the three weeks I was in Mississippi when Grandpa passed away, a part of Grandma was missing.  I would never dare try to equate that pain or that level of loss the same.

Yes, you have to be strong.  Yes, you have family around you to cheer you on and be there.

But after a while, the family that is out of town has to return to their affairs.

The phone calls that used to come every day begin to trickle down, and it’s not because those people care any less.  It’s just because Life continues.

For the person who has lost their mate, time can stand still.  You don’t want to function.

If you are functioning, you are on auto pilot.  If you are functioning, you want to keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to focus on the pain.

Places you used to go to together—you may avoid because it conjures up too much.  The good memories make you smile and cause you sadness.

You have periods where you are “good”; periods where you are “okay”, and periods where you are “crashing and burning.”

Sometimes, you need people and other times, you want to be left alone; you don’t want other people to take it personal, yet from their perspective, it may be hard for them to grasp that.

Everyone deals with loss is different ways.  Just like the dealing with loss is different, so should the loss.

So my heart goes out to Sweetie and it most definitely goes out to his Mom.  Because although he is no longer in pain, it will always feel like he’s gone too soon.

Don't Make Another Your Primary Force for Change

“I’m waiting on the one who will change my life around…”


I had an interesting banter with someone from my past almost a week ago.  I was tempted to write about this sooner but I wanted to get my thoughts around this before addressing it.

Before I speak on the conversation, I have to do a bit of background on the person.

This person has always had a lot of female friends, but it was also rumored that he wasn’t exactly the most faithful in relationships, either.

After high school, he initially came out of the closet as being bisexual.  Then, a few years later, he declared he was gay and started cross dressing, even went so far as to compete in the pageants.

Too bad he doesn't look nearly as good as Ru Paul in Drag...

It had been years since I talked to him, but I saw that he had gotten into a really nasty car accident via his Facebook.  I dropped a line to see if he and his friends were okay.  He said they were fine but he was upset that his car had gotten messed up.

Soon, talk came up concerning where he stood as far as his relationships and his lifestyle, if he was still active.

He’s like, “I still like women; I’m waiting on the one who will change my life around…I still want a wife and to have children…”

I don’t know if a woman wants that much power.

Think about it.  This guy, who has spent a considerable amount of time with "his team”, is looking for a woman to make him go back to the other team as well as stop him from doing his past time, which is cross dressing and competing in pageants.

This woman is going to have him do an about face—to be a dutiful husband and a father.

I know there are some women saying, “Don’t doubt the power of good pu$$y!”

That has to be more than good.  That will have to be phenomenal!

The toughest part of this whole scenario is what happens if the phenomenal pu$$y fails.

What if he gets bored and decides to pursue greener pastures?  There’s no guarantee it will be a woman or just women he would be pursuing.  What if he misses his other activities and wants to go back to them?  If there are children in the mix at this point, how do you explain this?

Then, there is the worst case scenario.  Yes, there is a fate worse than this one.

What if the female decides to leave for whatever reason?

Then you will have a man feeling resentful because he gave up his lifestyle to be with you.  The female will have to deal with that stigma.  When he talks to his friends, he will claim, “I gave up how I was living for you!  It is your fault I am the way I am today!”

No, dude, it’s your fault.

It’s his fault for putting so much responsibility on this woman, this pressure that her presence alone would make him be society’s image of the ideal man.

He has to take responsibility.  I mean, no one put a gun to his head and demanded he cross dress.  He made that decision on his own, and it must be something he likes doing.

I know some people will counter argue: "There are jobs people go to every day they don’t like doing, but they do it because they have to do it."

However, this is not his primary job.  He can choose whether to put on the wig, makeup and stockings.  He can choose whether to pay the registration fee for the pageants or not.

Also, if he doesn’t like having intimate relations with men, why is he still doing them?  There is something he is gaining from his interaction with them which he is not getting from any intimate contact he’s ever had with a woman.  There has to be some sort of pleasure.

The change has to be something not perpetuated by another person but from him.

He has to already be putting the steps in place for these changes if this is what he wants to do.  To put it on finding the right woman alleviates him of responsibility and puts the burden solely on her, and I don’t think that is necessarily fair.

Perhaps he can find a woman willing to compliment what is already there.  You will never know what a woman will be accepting of unless the cards are put on the table.  If the relationship starts off with secrets, you never know whether she will be accepting of things or not.

Is there a woman willing to accept his unorthodox style?  That I do not know.  Perhaps it is a worth a try before initiating a lifestyle change.  I’m just saying…

Deuces.

The Un-sexy Chronicles III: I Don't Do Funk

Everyone wants to put their best self forward.   Some people can look beautiful with practically no effort.  Others need makeup enhancement to do the trick.  Some people leave it to the experts of digital enhancements.  All of this to spark attention.

Let’s take a dating website for example.  Let’s have Guy A and Guy B.

Guy A fills out a full profile, from About Me to all of the little compatibility quizzes but fails to put up a picture.  


Guy B just fill out the basics, but has lots of pictures to look at.  

Guy A checks his inbox and has two messages; Guy B checks his inbox and has ninety-two messages.

Of course, we should admire Guy A’s substance but humans are visual creatures.

We want to look at who we are dealing with and then, if that draws us, then we start going through the process to getting to know more.

Guy B has given the visual but not quite enough information ; therefore, leaving the opening for a chance of meeting to get to know more.

Guy A believed he was being helpful in giving out information to skip a lot of the small talk.  He probably has succeeded in deleting those who don’t fit his criteria.

However, his lack of picture does draw some assumptions.  One could be that he is shy.  Another could be that he is unattractive—like “if he’s so impressive, why can’t I see what he looks like?”  He may be perceived as deceptive.

And just like that, Guy A and his thorough openness is seen as a cover up for something he’s lacking.

Not saying it’s fair, but it does happen.

So let’s get back to the scenario.

Back to Guy B.  He finds a good online rapport with Female C, and they finally arrange to meet.  She already has this heightened image of him.  She plans out her wardrobe based on where she thinks the activities are going to go….

It’s been a while since I’ve had some, but I don’t want to be too eager.  Should I show more chest, ass, or leg?  Do I just want to take it slow?

She decides on her look, gets fresh and clean.  Her appearance and scent is decadent.

They agree to meet in a new restaurant in town.  She arrives but she is a bit early.  She takes her seat at the bar so he won’t miss her.  Plus, it will give her a chance to see him before he sees her.

While she waits, she opts for a drink.  As she is waiting on the drink, she picks up on a strong, unpleasant smell.  She turns around but doesn’t see anyone.  Then she notices the scent has moved to the front; she turns around and sees Guy B.  The awful scent is still there.

How can this sweet dream in appearance be a nightmare in good scents?

Moral of the story:  You can Photoshop looks not funk….

I don’t care if you are drop dead gorgeous.  If you smell like skunk or a rotten egg, I can’t mess with you.

I love good scents, being around good scents.  There is nothing like a man who knows how to keep himself clean---that is in touch with the type of scents to use to go along with his body chemistry.

If anyone tells you that one scent can work for every man, that person is sadly mistaken.  Just because Obsession smells good on one man doesn’t mean it smells good on every man.

If you don’t wear cologne (and that’s your preference), make sure you are wearing deodorant or using soaps that are good to your body chemistry.

And not just your body.  Make sure your mouth is right, too.  I shouldn’t be able to tell you ate tacos earlier or that you’ve had that breath since yesterday morning.  Brush those teeth.  If you are fresh out of toothpaste, Arm and Hammer can get the job done, too.

There are too many products—natural and all.

I’m not vain but my nose is.