Therapy Session: Talk With My Grandpa

(hopping in the passenger side while Grandpa and I ride off to have one of our talks)

Dear Grandpa,

I can't believe it's been two years since your physical body has been gone.  I wanted to sit and chat with you for a while.

You may have noticed that although I was up early this morning, I wasn't headed into work.  I weighed out the pros and cons and ultimately decided that I had to leave the second gig.

The first time I tried to give formal two weeks was in early April because the store manager made a sudden decision to have the plaza open up at six instead of seven, yet I wasn't even consulted as to whether this would be feasible for me.  This didn't make sense to me since I was the only one who could work during that time frame on the weekends.  The job my fiance' has is overnight but on the weekends sometimes, he gets off a bit early before the buses run.  It was tough enough trying to do that just before heading in at seven, so I knew six would be practically impossible.

Out of respect, I put in two weeks.

Then, Sneaky Coon (he doesn't even deserve the title of Mister--I'll explain later) tells me he is willing to work with me and he would be bringing in some more people and possibly put me on a different shift.  Since he said he would bring in some more people, I did agree to stick around a little longer.  However, in hindsight, I feel like he did that just to ensure I wouldn't go right away.

Then, a little after that, I got very ill--ended up with an infection that took me out of work from both jobs for about a week.  I admit I haven't gotten back into my exercise routine yet, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, though I do feel bad.  I'm still trying to stay on top of my eating but it's been a struggle trying to get back what little appetite I tend to have.

Sneaky Coon hires three new girls, so of course, Angel (the short Ecuadorian guy) and I have to train them.  I do feel like he and I aren't getting paid training money.  Isn't that what Ruth (who I always refer to as the Dragon Lady) supposed to do as part of her role as lead?  Maybe I'm lost but I thought that is what leaders do.

You have probably picked up Dragon Lady and I do not get along because of the way she treats me.  I'm like you, Grandpa.  I don't like people talking at me.  People who talk at me I don't give the time of day to, so I admit to being a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to her.

Well, the past couple of weeks before my departure, Sneaky Coon had started piling up the hours on me.  The doctor told me it would be best for me to leave the job if he wasn't going to keep me at two days a week.  It is hard for me to stay on a set schedule for eating and testing mainly because of things at the 2nd job.  Sneaky Coon said it was to make sure the new girls were fully trained and after that he would cut down my hours, but the weeks were getting a bit tough on me, and there was a bit of drama with some of the new people.

One girl was specifically supposed to be hired for overnight shift.  This other girl said that Coon promised her she was only to work Mon-Fri for midday and give her weekends off, like one of the other girls he had with the company beforehand, who had the same first name as her.  She also said Coon told her that these other hours were just for training purposes.

Well, Coon didn't keep his word to neither one of them, which I'll explain in a little bit.

One Saturday I just got to my breaking point.  Usually, Dragon Lady and I do not work together but there had been a few recent Saturdays where she had requested some of her normal days off so it ended up putting us together.  She was trying to pass off something to me that was clearly her responsibility and it didn't make sense to me.  I told her that it made more sense for me to get the store stocked than to stay on register when we had someone coming in at 10 to take over for register.  She goes to Coon to try and get me fired, although later on Coon agrees with my point of view.

Then, the new girl (the one that was only supposed to do Mon-Fri) finds out Coon scheduled her on Sunday 12-8 and says in front of Dragon Lady and me she wasn't coming in but she would let Coon know personally during break or at the end of shift.  Dragon Lady was foaming at the mouth to tell the information (because she is messy like that), and Coon (because he is also unprofessional) proceeds to confront the girl on this in public rather than behind closed doors about the situation.  The new girl brought up the conversation about her scheduling and Coon says that they never had that conversation, which I feel is total bull.  The girl would have never agreed to it if she wasn't going to have quality time with her little baby.

Plus, I'm seeing at the corner of my eye that Dragon is smirking the whole time because she doesn't want anyone to always have weekends off except for her.

The thing which really convinced me things weren't going to change and that this job was causing me excess stress is that I've started losing some of my hair again, plus the bleeding issue I had before started up.  Also, I found out from the girl I was training on Sunday they mainly got her to help the overnight girl.  Therefore he still didn't hire anyone else to do mornings during the weekends, so Sneaky Coon wasn't being upfront. He was just saying it to hold on to me.

Usually, I would just put in another two weeks but Grandpa, these people refused my first two weeks' notice.  I just didn't want to take the chance of them trying to talk me out of it, plus I have to get myself fully healthy again.  Citing my medical reasons, I submitted copies of my resignation along with my badge, yet they still put me on the schedule for this weekend, as if they are thinking I'd change my mind.

I didn't come.

No amount of money is worth my health.  I made the wrong choice years ago, and I'm paying for it.  I almost paid a greater price with my life.  I have learned my lesson.

I haven't been talking to Mom much.  I do see these messages on FB that have been a bit disturbing, but I'm not sure how true they are.  It's sad that I have to see something and wonder if she's being truthful.  You know from your own experiences there are times when she comes up with things just to get attention.

Do you know that she's engaged?  I think she's been married enough times.  I don't think it's the guy that used to be on drugs that had you worried.  I find it laughable that she thought that you would approve of him.  It could be this detective guy.  I just feel like each time she makes the wrong choice.  She should focus on trying to be a better mom, at least to her youngest daughter.  All the rest of us are grown.  It's sad but I think she did it just because of the fact that I'm engaged.

Speaking of engaged, I'm still with the same guy you met a few months before you passed away.  About seven months after you passed away, he did propose to me, I know you've probably been wondering what has been taking so long.  Well, he and I were trying to save back the money and we were on the right track, but it wasn't really the money that fell apart.  It was more of the people who were supposed to be in our wedding party.  I didn't feel like coming up with brand new people to be in the wedding nor have to go through the whole process all over again with organizing and what not.  Originally, the big ceremony was to take place less than six months from now on November 3rd, which would have marked our four year anniversary.

I realize time is precious and that I can have something bigger a bit later.  Therefore, it will happen next month--two witnesses, justice of the peace, and us.  I think it will be a lot less drama that way.  A few days ago, we secured the matching bands.

I do admit I am a little bit nervous.  Were you nervous?  I envy the Sweetie.  He seems pretty calm, cool, and collected.  I think it is mainly because he wanted to marry me a lot earlier but I was the main one that wanted to wait.

Getting married is a big deal.  I don't see how people can go through the process multiple times.  I don't want to be like, Mom.  If Mom marries this guy, it'll be her fourth marriage.  I'm not saying she can't date.  I just want to know who she really is without having a man around, and I don't think she even knows who that person is.

I'm nervous about motherhood, too.  No, I'm not pregnant. (Don't give me that look.)  I'm sticking to my guns to do things in a certain way.  I'm concerned because of how I am medically along with my age.  I know women have been waiting until later, but I was hoping to have gotten finished with childbirth by the time I had reached 32, not being mid 30's just getting started.  I'm sure I can talk to Grandma about it, but I know Grandma misses you and thinks about joining you from time to time.  It just sucks I don't have that bond with my mom to discuss these types of things with her, since she wasn't a good role model for that.  Luckily with the help of close ones who already have children they can give guidance and coaching, perhaps even babysitting services.

Since my decision to leave the second job, the stress induced bleeding has subsided.  The unfortunate hair loss will take some time to repair.  It is in a different spot than before and not as huge, so enough hair is covering it up.  I've been doing little exercises here and there--some in the form of cleaning--but haven't been revved up to get back to the gym.

The dark clouds still linger, although not as bad.

I miss you.  I had some maple syrup on some pancakes today and was thinking of you.  Plus, I saw some of that hard peppermint candy you like.  So many things make me feel like you are in the room.  Did you know Peter Pan has peanut butter that doesn't have the high fructose corn syrup (since I can't have a lot of that)?  It taste just as good as the normal one you liked to get.  You would put it on crackers more so than on bread, but you loved it.

I know you wouldn't want me to cry.  You would want me to smile.  You would want me to still be full of hope and continue to fight.  I admit, I've felt a bit knocked down and my light has been dim.

I will smile.  I will rise and fight.  Because through the pain, your spirit continued to rise and fight, and so much of what composes me stems from you.

Love always.