Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. It's been a little over a month since I've arrived at the new twenty-two. There have been so many outlines made of topics I wanted to write about, either on this blog or as a part of my new writing ventures.
Quite honestly, since I've gotten back from my trip to MS, I have been in a status of pause. The momentum I had prior to the trip had not resumed. At first, it was a bit of a sputter, similar to a car traveling down the highway with its emergency lights blinking. Before I realized it, that surge had pulled over to the rest stop, completely out of gas.
It wasn't that my mind wasn't chomping at the bit. There was a disconnect between my mind and my body. I would hear the alarm and request snooze. That is a rarity for me because I'm that type of individual where once I'm up, I'm up. As opposed to running on six to seven hours of sleep on average, I found myself desiring nine to ten hours.
Seriously ... what in the entirety of creation was going on?
It did not smack me until recently that I had been depressed since I returned. It wasn't coming back to NJ that depressed me but the events that happened near the end of my MS trip that I was still processing.
However, that realization was suppressed by everyday activities: going to work, working overtime, doing household chores, and being present for others while being absent for myself. I made myself "too busy to deal".
My catharsis, writing, seemed very far away. By the time I was finished with other activities, the gumption to get my thoughts down plummeted. As for the exercise routine that was in place during the spring and summer, it became clear that it may not work for the fall and winter.
I took time yesterday to reassess my exercise schedule and started the revamp today. I would utilize the weekends to focus on walking and the weekdays to highlight strength training.
Earlier, I opted to take a different walking route. I passed by a church and the spiritual essence of the place lingered. It helped me pinpoint the cause of why I was depressed as well as why it was taking a while to shake off the shackles.
I will not go into the full details here. I have a written journal to divulge the nitty-gritty. However, I will share the conclusions.
(1) There are moments when one goes against Spirit's path. When that happens, there are repercussions.
I had been delivered previously, but there was that tickle of looking back. The questioning: was the cutting with precision or was the prompting from an irrational place? I briefly questioned myself, thinking it was the latter.
What I went through let me know that Spirit was right in the beginning and by retracing my steps, I had gotten in the way of Spirit's work with the individual. I took responsibility in the role for my regression, but in the midst of my depression, I did not give myself the grace to forgive myself.
(2) Not everyone is going to be proud of your progress. Some prefer the way you used to be, even when you know you can never be that person again.
(3) Anyone that shames or opposes the life you've made for yourself—especially if you are happy— will never fit into your life.
(4) Vulnerability is a necessary risk.
(5) Just because you grow doesn't mean your friendships do. At some point, you have to take your longest ones off autopilot and engage. It doesn't mean there are problems, per se, but it's important that everyone is on the same page as to where things go.
Before I conclude, I will leave you with some words from R.I.P.(E). Amazingly enough, today marks three years since its release.
From Can Only Save 1
She stepped outside Herself,
Believed she wanted to keep to Herself,
But when she asked questions outside Herself,
Self acted like it was deaf.
She rose above Herself,
Once concluding answers were within Herself,
Yet the very area she worshipped as a cocoon
Was really a self-inflicted tomb.
She soared beyond Herself,
Looking closely at her physical Self,
Admiring the regal stature of her frame:
Her natural beauty— the unending will to maintain.
It’s sad but necessary to detach yourself
To excavate and connect with the Self
That is forever true.
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