On Nurturing

 

Greetings everyone! I hope that your day, week, and month have gone well.

Since I have the Complexities of Grief blog and am more active on Unleashed Truth, I am attempting to concoct a writing schedule. I have not fully ironed out the schedule. It has more to do with frequency than anything, more so with this space than Unleashed Truth.

I have been around ... just haven't been here.

I have not been on Social Media much. When I have, it is just to (a) Post a link to a recent entry or (b) Check on people who mainly interact with me on Facebook but don't have my off-media credentials or have my off-media credentials but refuse to use them 🤷.

Anyway, on to the topic at hand ... but not without a small backstory.

I am not a person who has to shop for clothes or shoes. I treat these categories more on an "as-needed" basis than a drive to keep up with the latest trends. I recognize that fashion trends do circle back (especially those items that are seen as staples in a wardrobe), so in a pinch, I can fake that I'm on trend, despite the item being purchased three years ago.

Plus, in the past, I have not found shopping to be a pleasant experience.

Clothes, specifically.

One element involved my weight fluctuations and finding clothes to accommodate the changes.

Another was finding an ideal shopping window where interacting with crowds is minimal.

The last one, and most important one, was my relationship with nurturing.

Nurturing my needs and wants versus nurturing others.

When I tell people that it's easier for me to spend on others than to spend money on myself, I get looks of shock, disbelief, and confusion.

Only those who have done this get it.

In the past, if someone I cared about wanted an item, I didn't pause spending x amount of money. 

However, it was a pros vs. cons debate on whether I should spend $20 on an item I wanted. Yes, even needed.

Unfortunately, in those days, the cons won out more than the pros. The item would stay on the shelf. I would tell myself, "I'll get it when it's cheaper," or "I'll go get it next time." Only for the item to never go on sale, or even worse, final sale.

Only for next time to never arrive.

When you do not nurture yourself first, the results manifest in multitudes. The results are magnified if the receiver of the nurturing is an unhealthy connection.

See, if your connection with a person is not on equal ground, one person is giving and the other person is taking. That other person takes from you without thought. Without consideration. Without reciprocity. 

When you dare to address the inequity, disbelief and outrage are the replies. Or, you are made to believe it's all in your mind.

In that situation, nurturing someone happy to take usually does not prompt that person to give. 

Even in the healthiest of connections, you have to establish balance. When it is in you to give and nurture, balance seems like the highest mountain to climb. 

I have been the person who gives until depleted. Some of the people in my life were not good connections for me. With some people, I viewed the relationship through one lens while they viewed me through another lens.

Once I established a better relationship with myself, clarity was reached. I was able to decipher the inequities in my romantic and platonic friendships. This aided in my awareness and acceptance of situations while providing the tools to unlearn certain behaviors while embracing new ones.

Some of my "new" learning:

Boundaries are essential and needed as a way of self-care and preservation.

If something does not suit me, it is okay to change it immediately.

Nurturing myself is not an afterthought; it's a necessity.

I was talking to my closest friends some time ago, expressing dissatisfaction with my wardrobe. Yes, some clothes were nice, but they didn't resonate with my style—functionality, goal, and how I wanted to feel. While decluttering, a YouTube video describing Allison Bornstein's three-word method popped up. While watching the video, it gave me a sense of what direction I wanted to take.

Source: Wear It Well: Reclaim Your Closet and the Joy of Getting Dressed

The Three-Word Method is a technique for defining your personal style by selecting three adjectives to represent how you want to present yourself:

Practical: Reflects your everyday needs and the functionality of your wardrobe

Aspirational: Represents the qualities you strive for and how you wish to be perceived

Emotional: Captures the feelings you want your style to evoke in yourself and others

The answer quickly came to me when reflecting on the first adjective (Practical).  Whether for the gym, leisure, or work, I like my wardrobe to be multifunctional. Further dissection of multifunctional is comfortable and no-fuss, no-muss.

Some experts advise that for every one item of clothing, you should have five pieces that can go with it. In the past, my wardrobe rarely, if ever, hit that benchmark. With my current redesign (which will be shown later), I have achieved a 1:3 ratio on average and hit the 1:5 ratio on some occasions.

The answer to the second adjective (aspirational) took more thought. What I settled on was "modern vintage" which sounds a lot like an "antiquated hybrid".

Although I've always approached life with an amalgamation of antiquated and contemporary, there were moments when it was difficult to strike this balance with my outfit. This challenge resulted in the following:

(1) Buying outfits and accessories I never wore

(2) Buying an outfit but failing to get the matching components

(3) Wearing the outfit once but not feeling confident in whether I pulled the look off

(4) Wearing the outfit once but never wearing it again

Now that I know my aspirational word, I can get pieces to match.

I discovered that being trendy was not as important to me as having an aesthetic that is easy to maintain and authentic to who I am. Honestly, when I hopped on a trend (that I wasn't already practicing), it caused more regret (and money lost) than achievement.

The feelings I want to capture when I wear a wardrobe. There are many but two stand out: eclectic and free.

It is easier (for me) to foster eclecticism through accessories, shoes, or a staple piece. For example, I have a soft spot for newspaper, graffiti, ombre, and geometric designs, so I may find a blazer, shoes, or pants, but not necessarily need a whole closet.

I purchased a graffiti blazer months ago that has seen multiple uses. I always get compliments when I wear it, and I take turns deciding which color in the blazer I want to emphasize. 

The three-word method has helped tremendously.

I realized what worked in my closet and what didn't.

I discovered what I wanted more of in my closet.

I put pieces together in a way that brought pleasure. The struggle is no longer real to put a wardrobe together.

Recently, I reorganized my closet (re: making the fall/winter items more accessible). Great progress was made. I divided the huge task into smaller steps. Sure, I could have finished the undertaking in one day, but it appeared more achievable when I paced myself.

Okay ... that's all I have for now. Enjoy the rest of your day and evening.